Thanks for the observations Cal. Like I said, it’s a very broad topic and you can approach it from a lot of philosophical directions. I’ve had to shake the belief that there is some possible eternal judgment waiting for me that depends on standards that were never really made clear.

That might have contributed to the anxiety that I deal with. I started meditating after reading the book of Tibetan Living and Dying (whose author has since gone through some very unenlightened scandalous behavior). But that book and a few other sources like people I saw on Youtube talking about the benefits of meditation. I started with very user friendly guided meditation where I close my eyes and someone describes a meadow that has clouds you can climb on and fly to whatever destination you like. Uber clouds. Later I learned more about deeper meditation through guided meditations by Sam Harriss, Eckhart Tolle and Leo Gura. When I’m meditating well, which is less often than I’d like, I realize that I am not my body or even my thoughts. I am able to observe a thought as something I didn’t intentionally produce but I have a choice in whether I will pay attention to it. And as a person with intrusive thoughts, this has been helpful. Sometimes I’m able to apprehend the awareness that I really am. I see the awareness as something that does not judge. Ultimately it is my thoughts, my brain, my ego that decides what is good and what is bad. I can recognize that now but holding that state of being is tricky and not necessarily always useful. If someone (perhaps my wife or Doug) comes at me with an ax while I’m meditating, I hope I’m able to judge that situation as bad and take appropriate action (shit my pants, scream and cry, push an old lady or small child in my way to block the ax attack). Then once my wife or Doug are in police custody I can resume meditation.